Those Deserving
by define this shit
Summary: How do you go on living when the one you love has violated you? Currently rated T. May change, may not.
1. Wasting Time

The terrain passed slowly, all the same- deserty hills, sage brush, nothingness. Boring, and doing nothing to ease his current depression. Goku switches subjects and absently stared at a spider crawling up the door next to him, and tilted his head in interest as it stopped. What was it thinking? It suddenly jolted back to life as the jeep gave a hearty shake passing over uneven ground. Though twilight was fast approaching, the evening was still as hot and dry as it had been at noon, or so it felt. Goku's depression returned with all its weight as he noted the dot in the distance that was growing with an agonizing lack of speed. They _had_ to get there soon. The ambient silence of the vehicle must have seemed calming to the rest of the crew, who were all sleeping except for the unanimously voted-upon driver, Hakkai, who seemed almost trance-like in state. To Goku, however, the silence was oppressing. Constant thoughts swarmed his brian, itching and scratching the inside of his skull, making him restless and increasingly depressed each time he recalled the earlier transgression of the monk. Again, the bereft, childlike teen felt his heart break as he wondered why...

Darkness had long since fallen as the quartet made their way to the inn through the pouring rain and thick mud. By the time they'd reached inside all were drenched, and the temperature had made its nightly drop, reminding everone that this was the desert, and that the cool spring was only beginning.

As he trooped his gear up to the room he'd assuredly be sharing with Sanzo eventually, he pulled out his cd player and popped in his music, entering the bathroom and sitting in the empty bathtub quietly, leaving the lights off. There was nothing like metal to lull him to sleep in this mood. For the last several weeks this had been the the comforting action that kept him from lashing out around the others, whenever he had the time to be alone and listen. Tonight was the same. He closed his eyes and felt himself die a little... again...

and an image flickered to the forefront of his mind. One that he'd seen before. The single memory that he had been attempting in vain to forget- that had been tormenting the last week.

It was the degrading look on Sanzo's face as he exited the dark room- leaving Goku alone, desperately distraught, and very much naked...

_Sanzo..._

It was then he'd been broken.


	2. someone save me

Goku opened his eyes blearily, blinking a few times, trying to focus. He was in a bathtub- again. His headphones were somewhere...still playing, and he was sore as hell. He climbed out of the tub, wishing not for the first time this past week that he hadn't slept in it. Stiffly, he made his way out of the room and down the stairs of the inn to the restaurant, picking out the "Sanzo-ikkou" quite easily. He did his best to suppress the more than slightly nautious feeling in his stomach and made his way toward the group. As he sat down in the empty chair next to Sanzo, he pulled his best "stupid, happy monkey" face and predictably complained about his stomach, which gave an appropriate growl, but not from the apparent hunger.

He fought with Gojyo, exchanging childish names and whining to Hakkai, as well as being sure to nick food from Gojyo's plate while he wasn't looking but the others were. Everything was smoothly masked, acted in the height of perfection- until he looked at Sanzo, who was looking right back at him. On Sanzo's face was the barest hint of a mocking smile, threatening and daring all at once. He was paralyzed with horror and dread, and suddenly remembered his already-upset stomach that was making quite a ruckus in his midsection at the moment. He felt himself turn green and muttered to the Gojyo and Hakkai, who were discussing random battle tactics "Gotta go to the bathroom..." and he stood abruptly, forcing himself not to run from the room. When he was safely out of the room and, consequently, out of eyesight, Goku ran for it. Passing people's rooms, the bathroom, what smelled like the kitchen but made his need to retch even worse, out the back door he ran and through the maze of a town until he could hold it in no more. In a somewhat dimmed alleyway in cheapside, he fell to his knees to spill the contents of his stomach violently... There was a lot. Sweaty, slightly chilled, and shaky from the bout of upchucking, Goku moved so that his back was against the rough brick wall, which dug into his back slightly, and so that he was a safe distance from the contents of... well you know. That was where he sat, spilling the tears he'd kept inside of him for too long. As they threatened to overcome him, he let his eyes close, and he rested. The dark dreamless world that claimed him brought no comfort, but it brought no nightmares, either.


	3. awakening

* * *

Sounds, there were none. His voice in his head, in the darkness, where are we? Don't belong. Find the... the what? Don't know... don't know.

* * *

**there you go kaela** . updating soon, for the other one that is waiting. 


End file.
